So I am about to write a blog post with some real truth bombs for myself.
I like to pride myself on being a real straight shooter and I’m sure our clients will tell you I’ve dropped a few truth bombs on them…so I’m turning the tables on myself. Why am I writing this? I don’t know. To be honest, I feel a real need within myself to say it out loud and I mean this is a very new blog so I don’t even know how many of you are reading this (I need comments people). There is something about saying it out loud that holds you accountable, that puts the energy of what you are speaking into the universe, and that’s powerful.
First…this is not about Design, it’s about me, so here goes….
Hi, my name is Leyla and I need to lose like 1 million pounds.
A little history:
I wasn’t always a chubs. In fact, when I met my husband 15 years ago in New York, I was down right hot stuff! Like worked out with a pilates trainer 3x a week and went to the gym every night for 2 hours kind of hot stuff. Let’s be honest, when you’re a single, 20 something bartender and flight attendant living in New York, you want to look your best and meet a lot of hot guys (like the one I married). I like to joke with my husband now and say ‘tricked you’…LOL. Lucky for me, he loves me no matter what and has never in the history of our relationship made one comment about my weight.
I know right when the weight started creeping on. I met this hot guy, we were falling in love and suddenly I wanted to see him more than I wanted to go to the gym when I got off work.
Side note: I have the kind of body that needs to exercise or it wants to be fat. Period.
So here we are falling in love and I’m not running anymore. Then we move in together and decide we want to buy a condo but in order to do that, we need to save money (ugh). So that means the $1200+ a month I was spending on my pilates trainers stopped dead in it’s tracks. And before you judge my $1200 a month pilates habit, I was single, I worked two jobs and that’s what I wanted to spend my money on.
So before I know it, we are getting married and I now weigh about 30 pounds more than I do when we met. I’ll say this, I have always had like a 20-25 pound swing at times and I have the kind of body shape that can carry it and still look good. Not like fitness model good, but I had some curves and could pull that sh*t off.
So then we were married and life became busy and I wasn’t working out. I started to develop my real estate career and was working my a** off…well not literally…clearly. I tried every diet under the sun, including Optifast (that was what Oprah did in the 80‘s when she wheeled that wagon of fat on stage) LOL. I didn’t eat solid food for 5 weeks, I lost a ton of weight and had to buy all new clothes but then it started creeping back. So some years went by and before I knew it, I was 50 pounds more than when we met.
Side note: I use that moment in time when I was at my crazy fittest/skinniest to measure my weight gain against…LOL
And then, at 35 years old I GET PREGNANT!! YEAH!! And deep down I know, this is not good for my already overweight 35 year old body. Here’s the surprising part (and thank you universe)…I only gain 15 pounds during my pregnancy, and 7 of that was a baby! Sweet Jesus how did that happen???
Side note: we decided to move to CA when I was about 12 weeks pregnant, so we packed up, left New York, our careers and everything behind to start a new life with our new baby.
Well, I clearly underestimated what that would do to my mental state.
In case you don’t know this about me…I am pretty driven when it comes to my career (dieting, not so much). When I decide to do something, I am all in. My real estate career was no exception and without getting into those boring details, I was kicking ass, taking names and making a sh*t ton of money. I was working on projects in 3 states, NY, NJ & PA. Then BAM…There I was in California; pregnant, sick as a dog, no job, and basically just sitting around waiting to have a baby, not knowing who I was anymore. I was not happy with the size I was becoming, but I was pregnant so what the heck was I going to do?
Side note: I am not one of those women who glows and looks beautiful while pregnant…just an FYI.
So now I have my baby and I still have all of the feelings above AND I also have this gross post baby stomach/weight situation going on and it quite literally sent me into a mental tail spin that I kept all to myself. This lead to 18 months of postpartum depression that I didn’t even know I was in, until I was out.
And then, a few months before my son turned 2, I got a job! YEAH! A job I knew I would love, Hallelujah! I was happy, my husband was happy, he really thought it would be the thing to get my out of my funk. It did a little, but I was still so deep in my head that it wasn’t enough.
Side note: Some day I will share the story of that job and how it set the stage for DSI
So now I’m a working mom…and holy crap, that is some crazy sh*t to navigate. Now I am at work all day while my son is at daycare, when would I possibly make time to go to the gym? I already don’t see my baby all day. I’m not going to leave him at daycare longer or pick him up and promptly leave the house (and it would be nice to see my hubs too). I know, I know, there will be those people who say ‘its just an excuse’ or ‘go at 4am’ or ‘go when he goes to bed’…but that wasn’t my reality.
My reality was a baby who didn’t sleep for 2.5 years.
I’m talking wake up every hour in the night kind of sleep deprivation. So now we can add long term sleep deprivation to my already fragile mental state. Working full time, and being a wife and a mom is some hard sh*t. If you find that easy….god bless. I wasn’t going to the gym too.
In case you are wondering, my mental state is great now. It took a lot of work including therapy, a psychic life coach and maybe a past life regression…LOL (there is a whole other side of me that people don’t know). ☺
So that’s the story of how I find myself here, with a million pounds to lose …and it’s time.
Where I’m at Today
Last Tuesday I was on TV (maybe you saw it) and while I think I am pretty dang cute and definitely funny (self esteem has never been an issue for me btw..), I just don’t like how I look.
I don’t like the ridiculous effort I have to put into finding clothes to dress this body. I don’t like that apparently clothing stores think unless you are a size 4, you don’t deserve cute clothes (insert eye roll), I don’t like that my pretty face has a double chin on camera. I don’t like that instead of fully enjoying & being present in the moment of being on TV, I am preoccupied with how I look or what angle the camera man is shooting me…I just don’t like it.
So, I’m done. I signed up for private pilates training yesterday and I am getting back on a diet program that I enjoyed last year before I quit. Stella is getting her groove back.
I have some pretty incredible opportunities for team DSI right now (more on that later) and I am all in…So stay tuned because I intend to put this whole journey out there.
Xoxox – Leyla